Is Your College Student Lonely?

Students are returning to college and universities this time of year. In addition to supporting the transition of moving, the start of classes, and possibly beginning a new part-time job, you may also wonder if your child is lonely while away from home. Loneliness is common among college students, and Gen Z self reports among the highest rates of chronic and recent loneliness. Talking to your child about loneliness reduces stigma and increases the likelihood of them building social connections.

Loneliness is the unpleasant feeling resulting from the mismatch between the desired and perceived number of quality and meaningful relationships a person has in their life. Thresholds for loneliness vary from person to person. Some people only need a small social circle, while others desire many social connections. Social connection is dynamic, meaning that it can change over time. Loneliness is a feeling that signals to our bodies that we need social connection, just as thirst tells us to drink and hunger tells us to eat.

Signs of Loneliness in College Students

Certain signs and symptoms of loneliness can be amplified upon returning to college. The most common symptom of loneliness is anxiety. If you notice your college student worrying about minor issues, telling you they are overwhelmed by their coursework and do not think they can complete it on time, or struggling with time management, take note. This can be a preliminary sign of loneliness.

In addition to anxiety, lonely people are often more critical and demanding, which might appear in judgmental statements about themselves, their professors, or other people in their lives. Your college student may also have less patience or be uncompromising, such as dismissing feedback from you or being generally inflexible to a change in plans with friends or when they come home to visit.

One frequent behavior to be on the lookout for is plans with friends being abandoned at the last minute. If your child tells you they were invited to attend a social event but decided last-minute not to attend because they were too tired or had too much homework to do, it may be worth discussing loneliness with your college student. While this may be true in some cases, frequently deciding to self-isolate is a common sign of loneliness, counter-intuitive as that may seem, at first.

College students often talk about a shifting sleep schedule to manage their workload or social activities. But too little or too much sleep is also an indicator of loneliness. Sleep disturbances increase the likelihood of missing class and turning in academic assignments late, if at all. Changes in sleep patterns also increase the possibility of risky health behaviors, such as smoking or vaping, increased alcohol use, and lack of medication adherence.

If your college student shares information about prolonged technology usage on social media platforms, gaming, or sports betting as a reason they stay up late, loneliness may also be a factor.

Encouraging Your College Student to Socially Connect

Loneliness is a challenging reality. But there are practical and actionable solutions can jump-start the path to social connection.

The first step is determining if your college student has a mental health issue like depression or anxiety. Some of the previously mentioned symptoms may be attributable to a mental health problem, which may require specialized or additional support. A proven approach to support your child is connecting them with a healthcare provider who offers Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, which focuses on small behavioral changes to improve mental health and well-being.

A quick and easy model for creating social connections is E.A.S.E, which provides an encouraging approach. Begin conversations with your college student by informally explaining loneliness and positively sharing that social connection is possible. The key is to implement these steps of interaction consistently.

As a parent or caregiver, you can also model positive social interactions with family and friends. Research shows that engaging in many social outlets at once is ineffective. Here are actionable suggestions following the E.A.S.E. approach that you can provide to your college student:

Extend: Start small talk with the cashier or the person working out next to you in the exercise room. Make eye contact and say hello to your suite mates or the person who sits next to you in class. Ask a roommate or neighbor where they got an item you like, or compliment a classmate’s laptop stickers. Simple inquiries can spark connections, and consistently having these short conversations develops social confidence. This elevated self-esteem will likely encourage your child to connect with others, join a student club, or social organization.

Action Plan: Plan, even loosely, ways to engage with others before leaving the dorm room. An example is to set a goal to talk to one stranger during the week. Or, as self-esteem and confidence improve, create a list of approachable topics to discuss when attending the social club or party, such as “Are you watching any cool shows right now?”

Selection: After creating an action plan, either a lax or very structured one, consider ways to increase involvement incrementally in activities you enjoy and make an effort to spend time with others who share the same interests. For example, do not join the dodgeball intramural team if dodgeball is not of interest. Maybe playing pickleball is more appealing to you. Before you join the eSports club, consider attending one of the campus tournaments to get a feel for the scene and players first. The adage, “birds of a feather flock together,” is a helpful way to remember this step. It will be easier to make and keep social connections with others who share a common interest.

Expect the Best: Putting yourself out there may be intimidating, but reframe the situation as an opportunity. Think positively about small interactions or even attending a social event. For example, focus on the small positives of the day, such as arriving prepared to class, finishing your laundry, or even scoring a close parking place. You are setting yourself up for success by reframing your outlook, one positive thought at a time. Before walking out the door, ask yourself, “What is the best that can happen?” When you call or text your student, prompt them with “What was the best part of your day - big or small?”

Lastly, remind your student that others may be slow to open up because they, too, feel lonely. It is important to remember that people may not speak right away, not make eye contact, or display a facial expression that indicates to stay away.

There are many reasons why someone is not open to communication at a particular moment, and rarely does it have anything to do with your college student. For example, they may not feel well, have recently received a troubling phone call, or are disappointed in themselves for not adequately preparing for an exam and their exam score just popped up as a notification on their phone. As self-value, perceived worth, and social connectedness increase, it is easier to understand this and not take others’ behaviors personally.

There is a lot of talk about loneliness in the news, online, and even in real-life conversations. While there are poor mental and physical health outcomes from loneliness, more practical solutions are becoming available to the public. Focusing on all of the options that work for one’s personality or communication style and that someone is willing to try, presents the opportunity to decrease the stigma of loneliness and start making changes to socially connect with others.

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